Another article on LinkedIn has gotten my attention, and I feel the need to do a little bit more than post a few dozen words in response this time. The article posted, entitled "Why Dress Codes Can't Stop Sexual Assault," and can be read here:
Now, I saw a number of responses to this link that said things like "When your wardrobe includes a concealed handgun, it does provide a defense against assault,” and that women "should learn martial arts." Other comments read "Rape is so shocking and brutal. Our response needs to be the same--shocking and brutal," or “but if you are willing to show your cleavage, you should probably be willing to carry a gun." I even read how one executive had to "send females home because of how inappropriate they were dressed, and then they would complain about how they were treated" and would demand that the organization "go after" the men who had offended them.
The responses came from men and women alike and in my opinion, greatly missed the bigger issue.
Last weekend, I was with my wife and some friends at our favorite beach bar. While I was getting drinks for the group, my wife and her girlfriend made their way to one of the back doors to use the restroom. There a man was blocking the way with his foot up on a table. My wife politely asked the man to move his foot, to which he responded "I'm sorry, I can't. It's broken."
My wife, looking at his foot (which was clearly fine) asked him again to please move, albeit a bit more assertively. The man said "no, really. It's broken. I can't move it." Finally, my wife looked at her girlfriend and then back at the smug man blocking their way and told him not so politely to "move his [explative] foot."
With an over-the-top sense of indignation, the man compared my wife to a stuck up female member of the canine species. I am certain that this man thought he was trying to be cute, or funny. After all, my wife and her friends are beautiful women and people "flirt" in bars. But this is the same kind of covert sexual aggression that women face every day in social settings and in the workplace.
Now, back to the article for a moment, which spends a great deal of time discussing the rape of men. I am not going to do that. I am going to pull a Mr. Spock and remind you all that "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." When the statistics show that one in five women are raped in their lifetime as opposed to one out of seventy-one men will have that experience, I am going to place the focus of my response to this article where it can do the most good. Respectfully—I do not wish to diminish the trauma of men, but let's be real;
When the National Sexual Violence Resource Center points out that eight out of every ten cases of rape, the victim knew the person who sexually assaulted them, and that 91% of victims are female the problem is largely self-evident.
I have a lot of women in my life! Having been married for nearly twenty years to the most amazing woman I have ever known. I also have three beautiful daughters. I have two mothers, and a sister who mean the world to me. I ask myself often "how would I respond if something happened to one of them?" As a martial artist, former competitor, firearms instructor and Marine, I have looked into developing rape prevention programs before. I have presented you the comments about concealed carry and combatives training are an answer—but to me that is only a small part of the answer and does not address the bigger problem. The Washington Post article does speak to that issue, and some of the readers picked up on it.
"To have anti-rape campaigns that focus on teaching not only what constitutes sexual assault but that actively teach not to be a rapist? ...After all, the only one in control of whether a sexual assault is attempted is the perpetrator... ...if our culture insists on perpetuating the lie that clothing leads to rape, despite all evidence to the contrary, then the problem is our culture."
Yes, our problem is our culture.
How many men like the one who harassed my wife and her friends, would knock a guy off his barstool had it been their wife, daughter or mother being prevented from going somewhere by some clown claiming he had a broken foot? How many men would stand for their daughter to be objectified, groped or God forbid assaulted? What would they do if it was someone important to them?
That feeling is a concept that Central Michigan University Associate Professor Stephen M. Thompson has used for years to reach each and every incoming freshman—regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. For those who advocate combatives training and concealed carry, consider Thompson's story:
Thompson, a skilled martial artist was asked by his University to provide sexual assault prevention training early in his career in response to a sexual predator who had attacked several women in the area. Thompson agreed and taught the class. When one of his students was brutally raped, he went to visit her in the hospital. Her words to him altered his life from that moment on. Those words were, "I did what you taught me, why didn't it work?"
Thompson spent years interviewing victims and offenders learning the dynamics of sexual aggression and violence. His program "No Zebras No Excuses" is nothing short of incredible, and illustrates clearly that a culture can be changed. The title is based on the concept of a herd of Zebras grazing when a lion attacks. The lion singles out the weakest animal and pounces. The rest of the herd scatters, but once the lion begins to feed will resume grazing... sometimes only a few feet away from where their fallen comrade is being devoured.
I believe in chivalry. Some women want to be “empowered” and open their own doors, seat themselves and that is just fine. I am not saying anything to the contrary. I am saying that I open doors for my wife. I have her go before me in line. I open the car door for her, and pull out her chair—and I make a big show of all these things in front of my six children. I want my daughters to see the respect I have for my wife. I want them to see things that they should expect from a man. I want for my sons to know how to respect and treat a woman. It may be silly, and maybe to some even a little chauvinistic. But I just can't help but think that if my girls know what respect looks like from a man, they will look for men who will treat them that way... and then I won't have to worry as much about the rest.
It may be naive, but it gets me through the teenage years with some sense of hope.
Finding that hope isn't always easy. I look at the statistics on sexual assault, and I realize that I have three daughters who have to face this reality. Three daughters who will have to endure the same nonsense that my wife had to endure—and continues to endure as a woman. I worry that someone will hurt them, no matter how much self-respect and esteem I help them to build. It saddens me that I have to teach my daughters how to protect themselves from the world, just because they were born women.
Remember those zebras? Yeah. What if instead of running away, they took on that lion? It isn't enough that we teach men to respect women. We live in an age where instead of standing up and doing what is right, we break out our cell phones and start recording. If you think it can't happen in cases of sexual assault, guess again. It just happened in Ohio last week.
We need to change our culture.
We need men to treat women as they would expect men to treat their mothers, their sisters, their wives, and their daughters. We as a society need to be responsible for ourselves and our behaviors... but we also need to be responsible for our fellow men and women. We need to act instead of hiding our heads in the sand. We need to confront and correct negative behaviors when we see them. If it was someone important to you, wouldn't you want someone to help?
We need to stand up to the lions of the word. Stop blaming the victims and take responsibility for our own actions. Otherwise...
We are still savages.