The Bully Bandwagon

"Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict."  

~William Ellery Channing 

 My daughter was in middle school when a boy (who may have liked her or may not have) began picking on her in Physical Education class. He tormented her and to a lesser degree her friends, for some time. The bullying, if that is what you want to call it, escalated, and ultimately my child was being assaulted by this boy who would throw basketballs that hit in the face. 

I never knew this was happening. She held it all in when I was around. I don't know if it was not wanting to let me down or if she was really more afraid of what I might do if I found out, but eventually it was too much to bear, and the dam burst.

She cried when she told me she was being picked on, when she told me she was being hurt. She didn't want to tell me, she had been afraid I would be loud and make a scene at her school, embarrass her and make it worse. She thought I would march her down to the school and yell at her teachers and principal, or the parents of the boy who was hurting her. She was very surprised by my response.

"What are you going to do about it?" I had asked without even making eye contact. Even though I was boiling inside, I made a concentrated effort to show no emotion.

She was stunned. She stopped crying and looked at me. 

"What are you going to do?" I repeated.

Speechless, she sat next to me and stared. So I went on. 
"I'm not going to do anything. You have to do this. You have my full support, but this is on you."

After a few minutes, she collected her thoughts and respended. 

"Well,"" she said, we have the 'Bully Box.'"

I was intrigued. 

"What is the Bully Box?" I asked. 

"It is a box," she answered, "where we can fill out information about what is happening. We can report a bully annonymously, and then the school will investigate it."

"Is that what you want to do?"

"Yes." There was a confidence in her voice that was not there before.

I was impressed. She had a plan, and she felt confident in herself to carry it out. Even though I was proud of her for making it this far, I was careful not to let that show.

" Okay great, we have a plan." I said. "Now I need to show you something." 

I led her out to the garage, where I told her;"This boy, he is bigger than you. He is stronger than you."

She nodded, confused.

I pointed to my heavy bag and I told her "This is his nose," then I pointed lower and told her, "these are his pills. You understand?"

My daughter nodded. Her eyes wide. She could not believe I was saying what I was.

"If this boy hurts you again, you are going to hit him in these two places." I began. "You will hit him hard as you can, and you will hit him over, and over. You will not stop hitting him until grownups come and pull you apart." My eyes were locked on my daughter's "Do not let him think. Do not let him breathe." I finished, "Or he will hurt you." 

Her already wide eyes widened even further.
"But I will get in trouble!"she exclaimed. "I'll get kicked out of school!"

I took her hands and looked into her eyes, and with my most reassuring look I said; "Remember I told you that I supported you fully." 

She nodded as I went on, "You do things your way, the right way. Use your 'Bully Box' and use the system the way it is supposed to be used." I squeezed her hands gently, "But if this boy hurts you after that, then the system failed--not you. You will not be kicked out. You will not be in trouble. That is when I will go to the school. That is when I will make a scene. That is when I will fight." 

I looked at her and smiled, "But not until then. Now hit."

We spent a good deal of time in the garage working on jab/cross combonations. Keeping things simple, and focusing on pressing the attack, and taking the boy's space before he could react. We could go into the tactics and techniques we practiced, but they aren't important. 

You see, I could have gone to the school. I could have involved myself in the process, but instead I chose to allow my child to fend for herself--with my support.

In this case, the system worked. The offending child was segregated during their PE and there were no more problems. This all happened because my daughter did the right thing in her mind, and she did it on her own. The result was a stronger, more confident kid.


I am not one to jump on board this "Bully Bandwagon." I was the victim of bully's as a child, and it was horrible. I was abused physically and emotionally for years, but I survived. Being bullied is not fun, and it can be dangerous, but it is also part of growing up.

Conflict is how we learn.

It is not about winning or losing, but about growth.

My daughter grew exponentially that day.

I grew from my experiences. 

When we fight our children's battles for them, we rob them of the opportunity to experience that conflict. We fight these battles for our children through our interventions, through our zero tolerance policies, and our legal reactions. It is one of the most difficult things we as parents can do, watch our children suffer and struggle. We can coach them, and guide them, but we should not protect them from the trials of childhood. They have to learn to fend for--and defend themselves. This is what makes strong, confident adults, and teaches them valuable lessons for working with others who are not so agreeable in the future. Maybe a coworker or even a boss.

Please do not mistake this notion as dismissing the dangerous and sometimes deadly hazing that takes place in this country every day. It is especially important in this day and age, where young people like to solve temporary conflicts, feelings, situations and emotions with the very permanent solution of a bullet. I just do not believe that every conflict is bullying, and every time a child is picked on, that the offender needs to be crucified by the school system. 

So how would I react if my kid was the bully instead of the victim? That is a post for another time. This one was just on my mind, and I had to get it out before I went out of town and away from regular internet access.

Kids are going to be cruel to each other. Its kind of what they do, but it is how we support and guide our children through those experiences that really helps them. As long as there are kids there will be bullies. After all...

We are still savages.